I go to nice places and I experience new things, this year I
have been to Los Angeles, San Diego, Dubai, Spain and New York. Not too shabby
and all a great experience. I date and tend to have a lot of options when it
comes to men. I have a good job and spend time a lot of time enjoying the
bright lights of the city. I own my own home and it’s really quite lovely.
I am outgoing and have a good network of friends. I have a family
who now understand me and celebrate how I am a little more unique as opposed to
being seen as the pink sheep (as I was always called) of the family.
This all sounds great right? In many ways it is and I am
very lucky but behind closed doors, actually no because it still all looks wonderful,
behind my bedroom or bathroom door the woman isn’t quite the one the world gets
to see. This one is pretty scared and a little lost!
I will always be thankful for the fact I appear confident. I
am not awful to look at and my curves allow people to forgive the fact I am a
little overweight. I can charm my way
out of difficult situations often masking things I have gotten or done wrong
and I am kind natured which allows me to have good friendships.
I am not lonely I don’t think. I have always craved my own
space and now I have it. I keep myself busy so I never have to sit and think
for too long. In fact this scares me, whenever I do I suddenly analyse my life
and its total lack of direction and it starts to feel out of control. You see I
have a need for control. I need to control people and ideally their feelings
and I need to control what they see so as to preserve an image of myself. The
thought of someone seeing me scared, vulnerable, knowing I don’t know where I
am going or what I am doing and being aware of my overwhelming fear of
rejection is a thought that brings vomit to my mouth.
I am telling myself right now that nobody will read this and
therefore it is ok. I really don’t know at this point in time if I will share
it? It’s often entertaining for me to not really know what I will do. I am often
thought to be spontaneous and I suppose that must be right, I surprise myself
sometimes but that is scary in itself. I have a wreckless nature coupled with a
controlling one and there will always be a clash.
I have a decent job but could do something far better and
more fulfilling if I just had the guts to risk it. The idea of failing though
and being seen to fail, as much as I would try not to, well I can’t allow for
that to even be a possibility. How would I ever bounce back if it happened?
I had therapy 12 months ago to help me overcome a breakup of
a long relationship. I know I didn’t tell my therapist everything, I even
challenged myself not to cry in front of her and as broken as I was it took 5
months for me to show tears and I regretted it every day after. I wanted my
therapist to see someone who was ok and getting through a tough time so I
always made sure I had a nice outfit well-coordinated and my hair and makeup
was nicely done. What the hell is that about? She was my therapist for goodness
sake and most people turned up to sessions in their pyjamas!
I once relayed a tale to her, well not a tale an account of
a time in my life and she cried! She bloody cried, not me! She then said it was
unnatural to draw a tear from another about an emotional time of my life but
tell it in such a way it was as if I was reading someone else’s diary. It shocked her how well
I could detach from the emotion that should accompany such a retold event!
Hmmm, so I was a bit fucked up it would seem!
She made me talk about things and tell her how I felt, we
often had to go over the same things until I could match the appropriate
retelling of how I felt to the event I was covering. It was hard work and I couldn’t
quite recall the sadness or despair of situations, I dug as deep as I could but
it seemed I had buried out of reach.
There was one day where I told my therapist of my fear of rejection,
well she told me, she asked why I feared it. I thought I was just made that way
but she probed and probed and asked me to recall a time I felt rejected. I told
her that my husband would often not show me attention, not in a way of being
cold he would cuddle me until the cows came home but he wouldn’t always kiss me
when I wanted to be kissed, or touch me when I wanted to be touched, or make
love to me when I wanted him to make love to me. I told her how it felt and I
felt overwhelmed as the words came out, I tried to talk about how it made me
feel unattractive, not good enough, like I wasn’t someone who deserved such
attention and the tears came.
The tears didn’t stop coming, I was embarrassed, mortified
even and I confirmed that to her. Weirdly she looked sorry for me but also triumphed;
apparently this is what I needed to do? I have tried to continue this, I now tell
people when I am not ok and I try to describe how I feel but it’s not easy. I
was told I have a built in self soother and I will always try to manage my own shit
and when it’s too much I will bury it and move forward.
So, I am not all that. I have my demons and I will always be
an outwardly confident person who is really just trying to grow real confidence
in the hope it can reach the levels I portray. I will continue to wish I was
prettier, slimmer, better shaped, funnier, have nicer hair, a smaller and more
proportioned nose, nicer legs, brighter eyes and a personality that someone
will one day love.
I see people look at me and think I love myself and I will
allow you to think it. One day I hope I will. I believe that when I do someone
will fall in love with me at the same time so I am determined to get there. I
will remind myself of the kind I do and how I will go without for others if
need be. How I worry for others and want them to be happy is a good quality I’m
sure. I will try to love myself for who I am not who I wish I was and I will
continue to build on sharing as it seems this is the best therapy one can ever
get. It allows people to get closer to me and to know the real me and when I
see that they stay I realise I can’t be all that bad.
As I finish this I feel my eyes are filled with
water, I know I am not the ice queen many will see and as I sit at the back of
a café I don’t hide my face in shame. I’m not blubbing I am just a little
watery eyed and apparently this is ok? I’m told it’s not abnormal and if
someone notices and sees ‘little miss well put together’ with a tear in her eye
they won’t judge me. They may feel a little sorry for me but at least they are
seeing someone closer to who I actually am.
I may one day feel envy for me and also feel it is for who I am, if
someone then says “I wish I was you” I hope it feels really good rather than
the fraud I feel when I hear it now.
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