We live in a society where everything is disposable and you can have what you like now and pay for it later. This is fundamentally different to the way the older generations operated and I wonder what impact this has on relationships? The only thing I can think of that I have to invest in first and can never say “I’ll pay later” is my car. I have to put the fuel in up front, I have no choice and there is no way around this. Clearly we could go deep here and say I could pay for the fuel on my credit card and it’s a very good point but it’s also a tangent I don’t want to take.
When I look at my grandparents and a lot of my friend’s
parents as well I see a ‘until death’ bond. My grandparents chose their life
partners and stuck with them and this was generally done in their early 20’s if
not sooner. Separating and divorce were seldom heard of and you never really
got a sense that there was unhappiness, it wasn’t openly discussed that’s for
sure!
I made a statement to the world when I was no longer happy
in my marriage. I left it and divorced. Talk about airing your dirty laundry!
My grandparents (bar one) were gone by the time it happened but I do wonder
what their reaction would have been. My grandmother seems to have appreciated
that I must have strongly felt that it was the right decision and never really
questioned it but I should ask what her thoughts on the matter are…maybe I
haven’t done this yet as I may not like her view point?
When I was at the end of my tether with my marriage and no
longer believed it was salvageable I knew I could leave and divorce and that it
would be ok. It seems to be more acceptable to dispose of a relationship, and
indeed a marriage now, than it’s ever been. Lucky for me I suppose as it was dead, no more
time would have revived it and if I had to stay I think a part of me would have
wilted away.
Since I have been dating (a period soon to have its 2nd
anniversary) I have noticed that relationships seem to be ‘have it now, buy it
later’ approaches. There is no upfront investment or the wooing stage as I
would call it. Most just jump straight in especially when it comes to sleeping
together and then work out how much time you want to invest in each other from
there. The goods are given upfront and I feel like we are trading commodities.
I think sex is incredibly important and I’d rather know soon
on if there is compatibility but to be honest I have generally felt that if the
kissing is good the sex will be so I should admit that a lot of that is tosh
and it’s more about servicing the need. I have a need for sex and that’s what I
want and I will then get to know the person over time to see if I want to then
cuddle up with them, meet their friends, cook for them etc. They seem to be the
things given most consideration; I’ll sleep with someone but whoa now, dinner
with my friends? Steady on tiger!
After a period of dating (and having a need serviced) if
it’s felt there isn’t an interest in the other elements then it’s easy to
decide not to see each other again. In fact it seems ok and not a rare
experience to just suddenly stop contact. How awful! We treat each other like disposables,
it’s like a new shiny iPad that you enjoy playing with and download all the
sexy apps. You play with it a bit more and realise it’s quite limited and a bit
bulky to carry around and it’s not as new and fun as it was so you set it down
and return less frequently and then you can’t recall where you set it down but
nor do you care.
The backlash for behaving in this way is what? Nothing,
nadder, nowt, niente! Reputation doesn’t matter. We are in a transient environment
and are ultimately just a name and a little bit of information, when it comes
to relationships we are not vetted by anyone, there is no reference check and
therefore we can behave however the hell we like and leave a wake of victims
behind us. Is this encouraging us to treat people like dirt? Is it because we
can get away with it that we make the most of it? If our grandparents hadn’t needed
to care about their reputations, the shame on their families and the whole
community knowing their business might they have jacked in relationships easier
and moved on if they were indeed ever unhappy or unsatisfied?
As things in life are easier to come by and disposing of
things we own (or will one day) continue will relationships soon be the same?
Will we stop hearing the question “Are you courting?” and hear “Are you trying
anybody out right now?”
I consider making someone ‘work for it’ or show enough of an
investment before I give them a piece of me but in all honesty, I am also not
sure I want to buy in that much myself, especially if I don’t need to? The
expectation isn’t that I really get to know someone or let them get to know me
but I can still have the apps I like. I can get the dinner app, watch movies
together app, sex app, fun nights out app and so on but I don’t have to worry
about the ‘I’ll be there for you when you have had a bad day’ app or ‘I will
ask about your feelings’ app. I didn’t think I was going to be like this and I
do at times feel pretty shallow but I don’t feel any real pressure to behave
any differently…wow, maybe I am a fan of disposable buy now pay laters too? L
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