Well you silly cow you've been here before with this man so open your eyes, you know what's going on here. The constant barrage of texts you receive every day suddenly dries up and you get that message 'Baby, I just need a little space'. Straight to the point you ask 'is this about me?' he responds 'no' with two kisses but you know damn well it is. Not much you can do at this juncture, you offer up your support and sit back and think, let the games begin.
You've heard nothing in two days but you had agreed to see each other Saturday so you decide to go for it. The text says 'hey, I would like to see you tomorrow, do you think you will feel up to it? I'm happy to cook.' Even a selfish fuck wit like him can't ignore a nice message like that. Oh....it seems he can...he has messaged from his phone but not to you and two hours has now passed...what a fucking little treasure he is!
The message tone you've assigned the little shit goes off. You are happy you are with friends, you are quite content sat there dipping fresh baguette in Camembert as a pasta main dish bubbles away on the cooker. Before you even look at the message you know what it will say, its almost better than expected but it still hits you in the gut like a sudden jolt. You can't even tell your friends what it says, you haven't really read it but you hand the phone to them instead. Your friends are a couple who are at the height of their relationship and the pain on their face tells you that they are very fond of you too. B looks angry, as a man of great morals he struggles with the content, J looks at you with wet eyes and says 'oh honey I am so sorry.' The pity they show is probably for the poor treatment they think you are receiving, but for you the inevitable is here and actually this is now about facing reality and the fact your life is not on course more than it is losing this guy.
You read the text again, 'Yeah, I have missed you a fair bit...but I can't be doing this exclusive thing anymore...although it's been pretty good the last month or so...it's still not the real deal...and I know and you know it isn't gonna last forever x'
There probably isn't any part of it that isn't right, you've been saying this yourself. You respond with 'I suggest we meet tomorrow. I am not prepared to be dumped by text. I thought we were friends first and foremost?' His response is to say you are friends and he does want to see you he trails off with 'I wanna see you but I'm so....' You feel calm although this is difficult and you want to be sure that this ends in the way you feel befits you so you say 'Not good enough I'm afraid. This isn't just about you'. There is an exchange that follows where he tells you he knows he owes so much more. Damn straight he does.
You want to be clear where you stand so you advise him that you will go to see him Saturday night to discuss it. To ensure he doesn't take the cowards way out you tell him that if he isn't there you will wait for him at his parents home which handily is just around the corner from his. The amazing thing is you can actually see yourself doing something like that and a slight sense of self admiration hits you, you may not have it all but there's a little fighter in you.
His response is to say he will see you and he's not going to go anywhere. You are aware through the messages he is emotional he suddenly states 'I wanna keep seeing you...but I'm 34.5 and I don't think you wanna marry me'. His use of "wanna" and the fact he has stated his age at 34 and a half give a sense that he is low and adopting a child like state. He follows up with 'Ever' and 'You haven't even introduced me to your friends'. He is right of course, you haven't felt he is able to handle anything near a real relationship and to preserve your stability and feelings you have kept him at an arms length and ensured he hasn't come too far in your life. After all you knew he would leave it.
There is a continued exchange of messages referring to how hard he has found it, how he hates himself, how he does care about you. You try to draw the communication to a close and confirm the arrangements for the next day...6pm. In one way you want that time to come as soon as possible but you also know what it'll mean and you would avoid it if you could.
You talk to your friends and it's known by all that whatever there has been between you and him has grown to become a better and healthier version of a relationship but its not meant to last and the history between you is not a good one. Whether it should end or not isn't discussed, you all know it needs to but its acknowledged that as much as you had planned to have the same conversation the reality isn't so easy. You tell your friends that you hadn't anticipated that you would miss him, maybe he has been more like a friend than you had realised.
Your friends leave at midnight and at 1.30am you send a text to him 'Ok. So I've had time to think. I have a plan for tomorrow evening which I need to run by you. Guess you'll be playing football tomorrow so maybe we can speak quickly beforehand? Don't want to get in to anything I just want to make arrangements.' 2 minutes later you send 'Hopefully you've slept some and feel a bit better. Drop me a text and let me know you are ok when you wake. Keep your chin up.' You stay up a while knowing you wont really sleep but its now far beyond 2am and you are tired, you get to bed but soon realise you wont yet sleep, instead you put on a film...Maid in Manhattan, its a favourite but as the end credits appear you acknowledge it didn't do the trick. You try another, Sleepless in Seattle this time.
The phone makes the familiar noise you had come to look forward to and you know he's responded. You then note the time is 4.28am and you haven't slept for a moment. 'I'm awake and my chins are kinda up!!', his chubby face insecurity strikes again. You advise you are yet to sleep so sheep pics are sent to you so that you may count them and then a story he has made up on the spot which he loses total control of. A new story is sent to you and its not long before the Prince and the Princess in the story are looking to get it on. Its funny how his enjoyment of a quick fumble seems to get him through most situations, you reflect in that moment and consider that its always felt quite fumble like and you've never really had a moment with him you would describe as hot or sexy...
Jesus its 5.20am and you've been chatting crap to each other by text all that time. You decide to turn the chatter more serious and ask 'I want you to come to me tomorrow...I have 100 good reasons why and as everything has been on your terms I would hugely appreciate you doing this for me. You are in safer hands here then I will be there...' you follow up with 'its well within reason'. He says he will and for a second you have a feeling that he respects you, enough to do that anyway, ridiculous really as it'd be standard for most but this guy is probably the most selfish man you have ever known intimately.
You try to sleep but at 6am you get up and start cleaning, wiping all the skirting boards down is quite satisfying and a peaceful task at such an hour. Its difficult to choose music to play as every song seems to clash with your sad mood or make you feel emotional. 7.30am back to bed in the hope of a couple of hours sleep...it isn't happening. You get up and decide its pointless trying. You potter about and clean some more, the bedding has all been stripped and redone and you feel a sense of achievement at how the place looks.
Your friend A arrives at 11am and gives you what for, 'he has never been good enough for you, you needed to get shot a long time ago'. You know what she is saying is true but you confide that you hadn't expected to feel so sad. Having recently spent a lot of time together during a trip to the US she quickly tells you that its simply because you have some decisions to make and need to get yourself sorted with what you want to achieve, the person you used to distract you away from doing that will suddenly go and reality will hit. She is right of course!
You go for a walk and then he calls, he wants to come a little earlier and shower at yours rather than use the footy showers, not a problem you say. You finish the walk and go home to shower, as you get out you start thinking of what to wear and decide on jeans, a fluffy jumper and a striking necklace, you out on briefs rather than your usual thong, you don't really want that peeping out and want to feel like you look ok but don't want anything sexy or too flattering, you are not trying to attract him anymore. You consider not wearing make up with which you are very comfortable but you then remember the times you've been told you look younger and don't think its fair on him in case you look vulnerable. You potter a little more and then he arrives.
He enters and you feel relieved to see him, you hug and kiss on the cheek and you feel better already. He came and its almost enough right there and then, that's all you needed, you just want him to show he does respect you and knows that you are deserving of doing this properly. The action has pretty much honoured the time you have invested in him and you are at peace.....you can now breathe again.
You chat away and take a walk to the shop to get some alcohol, you acknowledge that he will need to stay and drive home tomorrow and its fine, it'll be nice to have a farewell night. You get back and decide to get a take away, there are giggles and banter that nobody would understand when it comes to choosing the cuisine and the dishes from the menu. You place the order requesting delivery of the Chinese takeaway and advise him of the 30-40 estimated delivery time. He climbs the stairs to the bathroom and sees the towel and flannel you have placed out for him. The flannel shaped like a swan had the desired effect, he lets out a laugh and you feel the tension easing.
Food has been devoured and you tell him its time to chat, he tries to defer it and you ask that he is more supportive of what you need as well as you are keen to have the dreaded chat. He opens with 'do you want to marry me?' its not a proposal that's clear and you say to him that you don't even feel you've really gotten to know each other properly and its always felt like games, its clear the marriage question would be a no and for him that's the end of it, he tells you that at this stage of his life its marriage or nothing. You know damn well you are a blocker, you will never be his wife but you have also told him he cant fuck around, he cant hunt but you also wont be his kill therefore he is living off the offerings you have and that cant be sustained. You know there is almost nothing to discuss as this is very much the case and you pretty much feel the same way. So what's your beef?
Your mind moves on during the chat and you know the problem is you don't feel you have both even given this "thing" this "relationship" a go...he says he has referred to you as his girlfriend, it surprises you but you also know you have never ever stated him to be your boyfriend or ever considered that your relationship was in that area. He is incredibly selfish and you've gone along with what he wants, that way you don't have to think or offer up any insight in to your feelings and continue to see someone who is convenient and fun to spend time with. As you are both upset that the "relationship" has come to an end you have moments of wondering 'could this have been something if we'd both given it a chance?' You have a strong belief that things happen for a reason and that suits you so you look for the reason you met him. He has distracted you for 9 months, you quickly remind yourself that you were on and off and he was screwing around for the first 6 months, its really just been the last 3 but still that's a lot of time to give anyone.
You sit together on the small sofa and the chat has dried up, there is little point to it and it's quite upsetting, you hadn't expected to feel so emotional and could quite cheerfully howl right now but you are holding it in. He is crying a little and you want to take the tears away, you hate seeing him like this and you know then that you genuinely care about him. In a way you consider could be your selfish nature showing through you feel pleased that he is upset, it means even this messed up, selfish guy has acknowledged that you are someone worth tears. You feel a sense of sadness at the thought of not seeing him anymore, it's so much stronger than you thought it could be, its like a bereavement and that feeling you will start crying and not be able to stop makes you tell yourself to stop thinking about it.
You mutually decide to put a DVD on and somehow Miracle on 34th Street is chosen, you have clearly had a hand in that as you love it and it cheers you up. You lie there watching it snuggled in to him and you feel safe, whatever there has been between you has always felt a little false, is it false? Maybe it's more things have been left unsaid etc but now it feels real, you trust this time with him as genuine and you make it clear you need him to hold you. Why on earth haven't you shown this vulnerable side to you before? It may have encouraged him to open up but its too late now and you decide to stop torturing yourself. That beautiful scene in the film showing the deaf child's joy when Father Christmas signs a conversation with her is on and it gets you, the tears suddenly stream down your face and you make your excuses to use the loo...you sob up the stairs but in a silent way and as you hit the bathroom you push your face in to the towel and let it out, you hear the muffled cries and hope it doesn't travel downstairs. you tidy your makeup, freshen up and return. Why can't you let him see you cry?
There's moments of ridiculousness, you both get over heated with the heating being on, you switch it off but resort to stripping off, he sits there in his boxers and tshirt and you are in your jeans, bra less with a thin vest top, you laugh at the fact your breasts are quite obvious as is his manhood...you are a little sorry to see that's completely lifeless...you had become used to seeing it at full attention...it dawns you are never to see that again! The moment feels almost innocent, nothing sexual about it, just two people hurting in their own way, comforting each other, a little exposed but feeling safe in each others arms. If it wasn't bloody tragic it would be beautiful. You look at him and kiss his head, you hope in some way you have helped him and his meeting you helps him get the kind of relationship, no the kind of love you hope he will one day get. It's the kind of love you dream of, you want to be intoxicated by someone - that's as simple as you can put it.
You get upset at the thought you both want the same thing...you want a marriage, children and a decent life with family visiting, dinner with friends and summer bbq get togethers, if only you could have felt something between you then you could have it all. You cant force love though and you know that.
A horrible thought crosses your mind, you ask yourself how much you believe you will find this love you desire. It feels like pot of gold at the end of the rainbow when you don't even know where the bloody rainbow is yet!
He asks if you want to watch another film, although you've missed a nights sleep and its gone midnight you feel you want to. You actually feel you want to get as much out of the evening as you can...you can't pretend that you are not now fully aware you will really miss him.
The snuggling up continues all the way through the film and you don't care how silly it is, there are no games anymore, this is over so you'll soak up every moment and try to remember all the good things about him, he is an odd guy with a lot of issues and he's been good to you but never really shown kindness or concern for your well being but still you have an affection for him and you can't help it.
The film finishes and you decide it's time for bed, you show him to your bedroom and he says he doesn't see the harm in sharing, there isn't really but you think you will cry so you advise you'll sleep in the other room, you lie there and here him mumble something and he seems to be encouraging the bed sharing, you jump in beside him and decide a cuddle will do you good. He pulls you to him and you feel the tears prick your eyes, this is so sad, so hard and far far more emotional than you ever imagined, all the feelings you have locked away are suddenly surfacing and you want to hold his face and say I've loved knowing you but you can't do that without losing it and you know you haven't let him know you. Would he have liked the scared and vulnerable girl you keep hidden? Would he have laughed at the stories you write? Would be have found your love for jigsaw puzzles amusing? Would he have looked after you if you told him about times you felt low, or scared, or in need of a friend?
You lie there and breath through muffled tears, the sadness is worsening and you close your eyes in the hope it'll hold back what feels like a river. You wish the cuddle would never end, you suddenly think you may get another hour and ask if the clocks are going back but no such luck.
Throughout the night you both get hot under the thick duvet and you move around but there is contact all the time, hands are held, or you lean against each other or the best, you wrap limbs around each other and hold each other tight.
Morning arrives and you feel sick, it's over, the farewell night has drawn to an end. You had openly discussed in the previous evening that he will no doubt return to the open market as an available man and you know he has plans to see someone within days. You don't feel jealous of that person as its purely physical and you think there is a little chance of anything else but you know he will disappear now in to a haze of easy, young girls and enjoy every inch of them. You on the other hand will face this head on and allow the pain to be felt and you know its going to be tough.
You cuddle up again and chat rubbish. His manhood has risen with the morning and you can feel it, you kiss, its not deep or passionate but gentle and controlled. He is trying to touch you but you move his hand, he is touching your body and it's so familiar but he will not enter you, its not that you don't want him to, you just know damn well you will breakdown if you orgasm with him now and he doesn't need to see that. Although you have never felt overwhelmed by your physical activity between you, you would gladly invite the rather average experience right now because you want to feel him close but you won't allow it.
It's time to go, you made arrangements and need to be away by 11am, you wish you hadn't and you could then drag this out a little longer but you did because you knew it was the best thing to do. You hug him and say goodbye, your chest feels tight and you wish in some ways you could suddenly scream 'wait I love you' and he would say 'I love you too' but that won't happen because love isn't here.
He asked if you would marry him and a million reasons came to mind of why you wouldn't...you know it sounds awful but you are not sure you want to be that associated with him? He isn't very ambitious, nor keen on travel and he's a bit average in many ways but then you realise that if cupid had struck you both it would matter not and you know that if you'd felt love you would have happily had him as your husband but cupid luckily hasn't seen to match you. He is not your lobster!
You hope you have made an impression on him. The idea that you may not have fills you with a great sorrow. As much as you held back and didn't allow him to really know you still hoped he had seen something good....not good, special. You want to feel in some way he will be better for having met you, he drinks peppermint tea now which can only be good but you hope it goes deeper than that. You doubt he would ever call on it but you are confident that if he ever needed you then you would be there for him and you confirm to yourself that for all his faults you have grown to care about him.
I wish I could end this with a wonderful love story ending but that's not what this was. I don't really know what it was but two people have felt a sorrow in parting which means they have shared something. So...to my messed up, complicated, (at times) tragic little friend I wish you ever happiness in the future, I hope you experience a great love and get the things you long for. If you ever need me I will be there and I want you to know even though I don't yet understand it, I am very fond of you and I miss you already x
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