An Officer and a Grown up boy (SE)

He's coming for the second date, your initial on line chat was centered around your love of picnics and it seems you have signed up for doing one. The weather isn't on your side so you decide to do an indoor picnic. He's a naval officer so you feel the picnic needs to have cheese and port. Gal Pal offers up her wooden cheese board and some port glasses, seems she has a lazy susan you could put to good use to, and you'll have those dip bowls thank you very much.
 

A Spanish twist to the picnic has developed as you find yourself buying manchego cheese, chorizo, parma ham and the ingredients to knock up a home made Tortilla Espanola. Sainsbury's have supplied little stuffed peppers with some creamy wonderfulness inside and olives though you hate them. Seems everyone else likes them so you always buy the poxy things.
 

Now what to wear? Think it through, you'll be sat on the floor for a while. You are putting a thin duvet under the picnic blanket for comfort and that's where you will eat. Sitting like that is never good, it'll show every lump and bump so you decide on a maxi dress, its a silk one by French Connection that you once splashed out on. It's low enough to give a glimpse of the goods and is lined so it holds its shape well, you sit on the floor in front of the mirror and confirm it as the dress of choice. You breath out, you twist, you lean forward and lean back. Yep, you feel this'll do...it doesn't make you look a stone lighter which would be the ideal right now but it doesn't scream 'Rolls R Us' either!
 

He's younger than you and you're fully aware that there isn't an ounce of fat on him, last weeks first date kissing and slipping hands under clothes taught you that much. You would have liked to have lost two stone this week but it hasn't worked, you are a couple of pounds down if you are lucky!

You pop out and get your nails done on the Saturday morning, such a boring chore not helped by the fact the technician doesn't speak a word of English. Occasionally they let out a little squeak or moan and across the room this is returned by another...feels mental but maybe that's how we sound to some? You've time to think things over, everything is planned, you have all the food and will nip in to Waitrose before you head home to grab a decent bottle of pinot noir.
 

You return home and give the house one last blast of cleaning. The bedding is fresh on and the bathroom is spick and span, you lifted the lid and bleached like mad, of course he's a fella so he's a lid lifter and this attention to detail is important.
 

Jeez is that the time? You run upstairs and jump in the shower.You take a razor to your legs and underarms and trim your bikini line a little neater. There isn't a guarantee something will happen but it did get hot and steamy last week and you know with a little wine you could be very tempted. You are staying in all night and you have definitely considered the picnic to be romantic, the candles you lined the room with certainly dictate that.
 

You jump out of the shower and dry off your hair, chuck some heated rollers in and get to work on your face. You choose pink shades and apply subtely, too much will make it look like you are trying and lots of make up can be ageing, you need fresh faced and vibrant for your young un'.
 

He has text to say he's 20-25 minutes away, he's coming up from the coast where he is based and is good at keeping time and giving you his ETA. Thats just enough time, you text him back and ask that he comes round the side of the house, you want to show him in to the room with the picnic laid out not have him walk straight in to it.
 

He arrives with wine; brownie points for the pinot noir, shows he has listened and he also has some chocolate extraveganza for dessert, he's good! You remove his coat, hang it and show him through to the picnic you have freshly laid out, he is clearly impressed and turns to kiss you. It's a gentle but firm kiss, you suddenly feel a little shy, you didn't remember him being so tall and so broad and you've not had any wine yet...must rectify that soon!
 

You pour a glass of pinot for you both and take his hand, you walk in to the picnic room and sit. There's a little music on in the background, you realise how good your attention to detail is...the playlist is 100 songs, nice mix of romantic and chilled without being obvious. The conversation flows easy and any nerves you had subside. He mixes in a few kisses now and again and it all feels very natural.
 

At 31 and 10 months you are aware of the age difference, 4 years isnt enormous but its a first for you. 'So when are you going to be 28?' you ask...you vaguely remember him saying his birthday is before Chirstmas. 'ummm its a way off he says'. You know it can't be that far. You ask 'you have a birthday in the next two or three months dont you?' He confirms he does and then adds that 4 years after this
one he will turn 28.
 

Hang on in a minute...you are no Carol Voderman but you are pretty sure he has just said 4 years after his next birthday which would make him 24 on his next birthday....which would make him 23 right now? No, no, no...you have a younger brother who is older than this guy! He sees the look on your face as the little maths exercise is conducted and tells you its not a big deal. He doesn't feel he has lied you got his age off an online profile which had miscalculated it and you've not discussed it before.
 

You feel a little sick, 'I'm going to end up on some sort of sex register...this is not good. You have to leave!' You move away from him and he laughs, you are not finding it that funny but he doesn't seem to care. He tells you it's a silly reaction, you both like each other and find each other attractive he explains and then he tells you he doesn't care about your age and adds that he thinks you are hot. You want to be ok with it but it's made you a little uneasy.
 

He pulls you toward him and kisses you, you push him away, this is not what you want right now but it just seems to encourage him more, his kiss is hard and he holds the back of your head firmly. You push him away again and he grabs you, pulls you tight to him and say's 'stop being such a silly little girl.' You kiss him back and let those words run round your head. He is so right, you are being a complete child and he is being the mature one. Maybe age really doesn't matter, this one has had you well under control and in fairness not many have done that....if any?
 

His hand moves up your leg under the maxi dress, he is confident and dominant. He can't be 23!! You look at it him and see a determination, he doesn't care about the age and this is going to happen. He doesn't take things too far, he moves his hands over your body but you get a feeling he is just warming up.
 

You finish the picnic with cheese and port which has an immediate effect and then you realise you are already a bottle and a half down on the pinot as well. He clears the food away, you watch him as he does and consider how efficient he looks, he is a naval officer after all so it shouldn't be a surprise. His tight ass looks wonderful as he moves from the picnic to the kitchen....wouldn't mind laying cheese on that little cracker! He catches you looking at him and you feel a little blush hit your cheeks, it feels like he is in charge here and you forget his age and take in the man in front of you. All 6 foot 2 inches of him.
 

He moves you to the large sofa where you sit either end looking at each other, you are chatting and laughing with a glass of pinot back in hand. It's as if you are sharing a bath the way you are sat. You like how he has positioned you both, its flirty and quite intense. Your glass is empty and he takes it from you, he doesn't refill it but instead pulls you to and under him. He leans in with eyes open looking straight at you...man this is intense and then he kisses you, this is different to the others, he is nibbling at you and sucking gently as he kisses you firmly. You feel yourself getting lost in it, he leads the kiss and you feel his fingers slipping in to your hair. You could kiss him forever.
 

He is pressed against you and you feel more weight on you as his hands start to move. He touches your breasts through your dress and you love how much time all this is taking, you have been here like this for ages and he is in no rush. You run your hands down his body, jesus it's so firm! He isn't rippling with muscles but instead is solid and broad shouldered, his ass is so solid and you imagine it's full of power or so you hope! He stands up and removes his top, yep there it is....he is lovely.
 

He takes the buckle off his trousers but doesn't undo them, he sits on the sofa and moves you on to him, you fall down lying on top of him kissing and running your hands up and down each other. He grinds in to you. You are grateful he removed the buckle...but of course he did. He thinks ahead!

He continues to touch you through your clothes. It's really hot! He kisses your neck and down to the v in your dress. He pushes his head in to your cleavage and then rises to kiss you hard.
 

He then asks 'Would you like to go to bed?' He is so in control and you love it. 'I would' you say. He stands and blows out the candles, he turns the key in the front door so you are locked in and takes your hand. He leads the way taking the stairs slowly one at a time and he turns back and looks at you. He gives you a smile and you feel pleased he is so comfortable at taking the lead.
 

You reach the top of the stairs and he holds both your hands in his...he stares right at you and then leans in slowly to kiss you. It's a light kiss, exploring your mouth with no pressure. Your hands are still held and he then slips them round your waist to the small of your back, he pulls you toward him so your pelvis hits him first and then your mouths find each other. His hands rise to grab your face and you are pushed back against the wall of the small landing area. He is much firmer now and his hands are gripping your face as he kisses your forcefully. You feel a little out of breath.
 

His hands move down the silk of your dress as he pulls that up above your knee. His hands are moving up your inner thigh and he then cups you. He doesn't touch you as such he just places his hand on you and you feel the warmth of his palm through the cotton of your briefs. It's as is his touch is magicial, you feel so turned on and your stomach is flipping but he isn't really doing anything to you.
 

His kiss is incredible, you suddenly feel like you are in a period drama as you try to catch your breath and notice your breasts rise and fall. They are heaving, not bad for a lower grade C cup! He steps back and takes your hands again leading you in to the bedroom, he drops his jeans and reveals tight black boxers, they are understated but he doesn't need anything else, they hug his taught body just fine. He sits and pulls you toward him. He takes a hand to the zip on the side of your dress and pulls it down, the dress is then pushed down over your shoulders and it pools at your feet.
 

It is the perfect way to be undressed and then you think about how he has planned it, he must have worked out where the zip was and how best to remove your dress when you were kissing and you love that about him. You stand there in black cotton briefs and a strapless bra and he kisses your stomach while gently running his hands up your thighs.
 

He moves his head down your body and kisses you through your briefs, the warmth of his breath without the direct contact of his mouth is incredible. Normally you want to be tearing at each others clothes but this is perfect. You don't know what's coming next but you are happy to go along with whatever he has planned.
 

He reaches up and undoes the hooks of your bra and gently lets it drop to the floor. Nothing is said between you but he doesn't stop looking at you. He then slips his index fingers in to the sides of your briefs and gently and slowly pulls them down, you give a little wiggle to help him out, as they drop to the floor he leans down and gets you to step out of the them and discards them across the room. You stand there naked in front of him and he gives you that cheeky grin, in that moment he looks young but his eyes are that of a determined and dominant man.
 

His hands move over your body, he puts them on the small of your back and over your cheeks down to the back of your thighs. The house is warm but you get a cold feeling over your body. He pulls you closer to him as you stand between his legs. He takes your breasts in his mouth and gently sucks at your nipples. He rubs his palm over them until they become stiff and then he sucks them again. He isn't touching any other part of you but you feel it over every inch of you. Your skin feels totally alive.
 

He stands and turns you to the bed, you sit and he encourages you to move over. He kisses you again and you hope this isn't suddenly going to get really boring!
 

The kissing is perfection and you get lost in it again, you then feel his hands over your legs, he is running fingers up and down your thighs and each time getting closer to touching you. You feel teased but patient with it, you don't at this stage want him to speed up.
 

His hands continue to move up your thighs and then he does it again, that warm palm cups you. This time there is nothing in the way and you feel the full warmth of his hand. His palm feels large and the realisation he has cupped you within it makes you feel owned by him. You wonder if he will tell his fellow sailors that he had you in the palm of his hand and you let out a little giggle. 'Something amusing you young lady?' he asks. You giggle some more and he says 'I think that's enough giggling' and he kisses you hard. The kissing is relentless and he is so much firmer than he has been before. He then moves up the bed and pushes his body between your legs. You part your knees like Moses has commanded the red sea and let him close to you.
 

He is on you now, pressed against you and his kiss is unyielding. You feel a throbbing in the tight black pants he still wears and for a moment think 'jeez whatever you do don't let that out.' You can't recall a time you've felt like this, where someone was totally in control and the build up to him taking you was so exciting. You know that throbbing is coming for you and you feel a little nervous, it's as if he is going to devour you and you love how you are starting to forget you've ever done this before.
 

He gets on to his knees and unveils himself. He is at full attention and the throbbing is visible, there is no doubt in your mind of his excitiment. The heaving of your chest is back as he looks down at you, 'Do you want this?' he asks, 'yes' you whisper. He doesn't look happy with that response, 'do you want me?' he adds. 'Yes I do' you say with a little more convinction. 'What do you want?' he asks, you give your response with no thought at all, 'I want you inside me' you say breathlessly.
 

He puts his big hands under you and cups you with them as he pulls you toward him and on to his erection. You feel it enter you a little but not fully. He then pushes toward you and you feel his full length slip in to you. He pushes in to you as far as he can go and barely moves out of you. He keeps himself deep and you put your hands on his firm arse so you can feel him squeeze as he pushes in to you.
 

It's far from frantic and you are not crying out but you feel totally consumed by him. Every inch of him is in you and you feel like he owns your body. He moves slowly and determindly. His patience is incredible, your whole body feels stirred.
 

He is a submariner and you wonder if that helps his ability to be so patient, three months deep undersea with no woman and supposedly limited space to even sort yourself out must be hell. You had thought they would go crazy and beserk when it comes to sex but you wonder if this is more like how he would be. Savouring every single moment of it. You don't want to send him off for months on a submarine but you imagine what it would be like when he got off...it would be at least three days locked away you tell yourself.
 

He pulls his hands firmly under you so you are pressed tightly against him and he rolls over. You are on top and he is still inside you. You love the move, most men pull out turn over and say 'sit on me' but not this one, he has done it without any need for instruction. He gets you comfortable on him and cups his hands on your arse, he pulls you against him and you feel him hard inside you. He is dictating the pace and you go along with it. The pleasure is written on his face but he doesnt say anything. Your breathing tells him you are enjoying it. You keep the pace he has set as he moves his hands up to your breasts and tweaks at your nipples. He then takes a hand down to your clitoris and applies pressure, as you move and grind against him you get an added feeling of pleasure.
 

He stops and pushes your legs back, your legs slip between his and you are lying flat on top of him. You move against him again and decide you love this position, you can feel him inside you and pressed against your clitoris making you circle and grind as you move up and down. He grabs your face and pushes his tongue in to your mouth, it's sudden and erotic. He lifts his pelvis and you are taken to a whole new level of pleasure, it's not speeding up but it's hard and concentrated. You feel a vibration in your lips as he kisses you and lets out an 'mmmmmmm' you are so turned on.
 

You move against him and he lifts as you move up his body allowing you to feel just how hard and deep he is inside you. You feel a warmth spread over your body and as you move up him and he sucks your nipples you are aware of how sensitive your body is feeling. He is kissing you again and you struggle for breath, his 'mmmm's' are getting more regular and his breathing is changing to match yours. Nothing is said between you, there is just the noise of breathing and 'ahhhhs' and 'ohhhhs', you start to feel a little light headed, the movement between you is a rocking motion which has started to increase in speed.
 

Your body let's out a little tremble and he grins at you. He is so hot. The movement between you continues and he is moving underneath you. He's lifted from his pelvis and as you move up and down him you feel the pressure against your clitoris and every inch of him inside you, the more you move the warmer you start to feel and the trembling is building. He doesn't lose momentum. You are impressed by his stamina and strength especially as your weight is bearing down making it easier for you but giving him the more difficult task. You rock together in a perfect rhythmn and you feel you may come. You wonder if it's too slow a pace but the familiar build is there.

Your bodies are slick with sweat and it's just enough to rub against each other without any chaffing. You continue to move up and down as he thrusts up in to you and then it begins, the tipping point of the pleasure is reached and you can feel an orgasm building. You want to say something but you can tell he knows, the timing of his thrusts is perfect and he is obviously conscious of exactly when to do this. You hear yourself moaning and your breathing is far more pronounced, your legs start to shudder and you squeeze every muscle. You are wound tight, your entire body is tensed as you feel the waves of an orgasm within you and then it comes...it's so intense and you shudder and almost whimper as it leaves your body. It lasts far longer than normal and you feel totally spent.
 

You slip off him and lie next to his sweaty body. He looks like an oiled up model right now and you feel a little self conscious beside him. He says 'that was an amazing orgasm...don't ever mention my age again, you are a sexy woman and you know what you want and I can give that to you. I bet there are men ten years older than me that haven't got a clue'. You could come again, the delivery of his statement is confident but not cocky and he is so right.

You love that he has told you not asked you and he knows what he is talking about. He has taken the time to learn about a woman and can therefore provide an experience like this evenings. You lie there and say 'That was good and I like that you know what to do with me but remember it takes two and I know how to have an orgasm so you are in good hands'. He turns and kisses you very forcefully, he then said 'and that's what I fucking like about you.' He feels so dominant and you like it.
 

Normally you want to have at least a couple of orgasms but tonight's was incredible and very intense and you feel totally satisfied...that's rare. You lie there next to each other and start to feel sleepy, as you doze a little you think about morning and what the submariner might have in store...

Three initials worth avoiding....the Manipulative Deceitful Homodumbshit

You may well have had the experience of meeting the initialled man. Supposedly you're in the "safest hands in Surrey and Sussex". Its likely if you hail from the area, are a female and are aged 18-35 you've met him. On the off chance you havent had the pleasure...and I use that term loosely, then I feel you should share in mine...

He's the ultimate player, stringing a few women along at any one time. For simplicity and to avoid any awkwardness we will all be called "Baby".
From date one you'll be hooked. The "Baby" label will be given to you immediately and you'll be transported to a level of comfort that feels like the 4th date. This will leave you feeling trusting and in safe hands and will help him expedite through your "no knickers till a later date" rule.

He will show you a little vulnerability so you feel you want to look after him and of course you will feel he's less of a threat to your sensitivities; if he shows you his vulnerable side he's ok right? He must feel he can trust you? He will talk about wanting children and have little names for them. Wow, when does a guy ever do that? This one is going to be different.

As each date goes on the little pet names he has for you will be revealed, pookie, chica bonita, chinch, chinchilla...and of course he has never used these before! They were just little names that came to mind when he thought of you. They - are - not - generic - at - all.

As he goes to his folks for Sunday lunch he will send you a photo en route all wrapped up in his coat! How sweet! He's thinking of you and it's lovely that he goes to see his parents. He's such a good man. When he gets to work on a Monday he will send you a photo of his weetabix breakfast, bless him, he is once again thinking about you it's adorable he has a that for breakfast? He is such a gentle natured guy.

He will tell you he has a little gift for you before you arrive for dinner and on the doorstep to greet you will be a little fluffy furby looking character from a McDonald's happy meal. The gift is no cost and no real thought has been put in to it but it's so cute you'll love it. He will then open the door a little and pull you in. He will tell you how hot you look and kiss you. The kiss is excitable but not sensual, you'll think it's a little disappointing but he's ever so nice. You'll be invited in and then offered a drink, 'what can I get you Baby?' If you respond 'anything' you'll be told 'Baby I want you to have whatever you want', he is so incredibly thoughtful.

Dinner will be served in bowls as this is his preference. Yours is for a plate but he tells you how much he prefers a bowl and you think that's quite cute. He hasn't asked you what you like to eat but you suppose he wants to do meals he knows he can cook well and it's nice of him to make dinner after all. You'll eat on a tray in front of the TV. You'd like to sit at the table and chat over the day but he seems to enjoy the casual approach. You'll watch all his favourite programmes and if you are not too sure about whether you like some of them he will tell you they'll grow on you so you'll watch them some more. Maybe he just wants to make you a part of his regular routine and that's a good thing right?

He will be all over you like a rash, you are going to be so hot to him. 'Baby you make me so hard' will be regularly heard, 'do you think I am a big boy Baby?' will be heard every single time. 'Baby nobody has ever made me this hard' is supposed to make you feel good, maybe he quite likes you? The evening will always begin with promises of what he will do to you as will the messages you will receive in the run up to going to see him...I am sure he wants to do those things for you, the evening kinda gets in the way and there is a lot to discuss...maybe next time? It is a little disappointing though.

You are not too sure about it but sex will never lead to his climax but he will tell you he almost did and he's sure he will next time. He will make you feel your climax was his number one priority and then ask you nicely if you will finish him off. Of course you will, you are not selfish and us girls like to see things through to the end. Will this be the case every time you wonder? Maybe it's just part of the getting to know each other phase and it'll happen with time? It's a bit weird but you don't want to upset him.

He likes to have oral. A LOT. You will feel encouraged to get better at this as he tells you that you are ALMOST the best he has had but you are certainly in the top ten. Later he will tell you he wants you to be the best and give you a few pointers. As time goes on he will ask that you allow him to come over you, 'Baby can I put it over your boobs?' You'd rather not and this isn't very hot, it's almost teenage but he has that little glint in his eye likes he wants to try something with you. Next time he says he wants to do it over your face, it's not ideal but he is so excited and it seems he wants to try it, he's probably never done it before judging by the way he asks?

The sex itself is good, isn't it? Well it's not bad? It often goes a little array, tiredness, aching from football, too much to drink, early starts, ate too much etc will all have an impact you suppose. The size of his penis will be mentioned a lot. Frankly, you don't think there is that much in it! 6, 6.5 or 7 inches. Is it really that noticeable? He's a little insecure you surmise as he mentions it so much so of course you'll tell him that his being the larger end of the scale is a great thing. He gives you the exact measurement of his manhood and ensures he shaves for maximum effect. This is clearly important to him. The biggest you've had....ummm? Let's just tell him yes, it makes him so happy. He will ask you the question almost every time you see him so a positive response seems the wisest.

You've received a photo of him, he's in his full length mirror. He is clearly sucking in his belly but in fairness he does know how to pose for a photo and he obviously wants to keep your interest. He wants one back and is so disappointed when you say no. Umm...what to do? He has sent you one after all? Oh a text, oh that's not good...'dont worry about a picture baby, if you don't feel comfortable it's ok, I understand'. Shit, he is disappointed, I have already slept with him so not sure why it's such a big deal? I wish he hadn't sent me one before he asked me.
 

The whole picture thing feels juvenile and tacky but he is relentlessly sending them. Almost every night as he gets changed for bed he sends you a sequence of photos. What do you say to him? You want to tell him that it's weird and a little childish but you don't want to be horrible even if it does make you uncomfortable. You will try to send a response you feel is going to satisfy him but you also don't want to encourage it. Is this normal...you've never known any one else do this? You will conclude that he must just want to keep you happy and interested so you will play along. You don't want to upset him, he's clearly a sensitive guy.

Your friends are not impressed. They say they wonder why he thinks he is worthy of sending so many photos of himself. Comments that he needs to get over himself when he looks like Smithy not a Calvin Klein model are heard. You stop telling them about it as it is a bit embarassing. He sends them all the time so you get them when you are with your friends and they look at you like you are an idiot...it's confirmed then...it is a bit odd!

You met online and you notice his profile is still in full swing and indeed active daily, the line underneath his profile will say "Mr Picky has been active today" every single day. It's been 7 weeks now so you've not really bothered with yours. Feels a little odd though and you can't help but check as each week passes. Maybe you will speak to him but on the other hand you don't want to seem to be telling him what to do. Is it that big a deal? Maybe he enjoys the attention? He has shown signs of insecurity...the crazy pictures thing for a start!

When you stay overnight he always refers to where you sleep as 'your side of the bed', the hair clips you left last time are also in the drawer by "your side of the bed", he jokingly says it's the lost property drawer, least you hope its a joke? He will occasionally mention the other girls that have stayed, you won't think it's a very gentlemanly thing to do but you will put it down to his insecurity.

He will compliment you on how you look but also make it clear what he likes, when Rachel Riley pops on the TV he will comment 'that's what I am looking for'...odd comment when you consider the audience. 'I like trim girls'....often said when you pick up that slice of garlic bread. You'll become aware of his preference and will therefore have a direct comparison, effectively you will know what you need to work on.

He will ask how much you weigh, he will of course say 'Sorry Baby, you don't need to tell me, I shouldn't have asked'. Hmm..if you don't tell him maybe he will think you are embarrassed of it. Now and again he will say 'Baby you look a little trimmer mmmm.' You haven't really been trying to lose anything but maybe you should try a little. 'Do you want a whole jacket potato baby?' Well most people do have a whole one don't they? It's a funny question and you'll say 'maybe I will just have half'. You wonder if maybe you do eat a little too much?

He will reference age a lot. He is older than you but he will make it clear how much those "trim young things" do it for him. He will comment on someone and add 'what's she do you think, 20, 21?' and he will remind you of your age. Of course he will tell you how young you look for it, he likes you a lot after all. He will make sure you never miss what he likes 'oosh' will be a noise you are familiar with, every single time a half decent woman is seen in fact! It's not the nicest thing to do but he does say he is a lovable rogue and says how much he thinks you like that about him; maybe he's playing up to that?

Weeks will pass and the routine will continue but a feeling will grow inside you. Maybe you aren't the only one? You'll wonder what part of it feels like it's you. Nothing is really progressing here and it feels its the first few dates over and over again. The same dinners, restaurants, chat, , tv shows, visits to the local, what he wears...you have started to notice how little he considers what you want, has he really always chosen the place you eat, the cuisine, the evenings entertainment, what you watch, when you eat, where you will go, when you will sleep? Have you really gone along with this? This is bonkers!

And the photos...hmmm sometimes you've received them again and thought it odd but maybe he's gotten confused when sending them to more than one person? How many of us are there? Christ. ..I'm saying "us" likes its some sort of club! Anyway, how many of "us" have received the 'Sunday off to parents' picture or the 'me at football today' picture. You know the answer, you can feel it in your gut, it's all starting to make sense now. Have you really been this stupid? Did you ever think you could be so bloody naive? Think about it...Baby from the first hour you met...Nite Nite Chica, Morning Chinchilla, oh you have been soooooo stupid.

You will have felt like you needed to 'get trim' at times but then you will look at him and see an overweight guy with fairly average looks who appears to get worse the more time you spend with him. Hopefully at this point you'll say to yourself 'are you shitting me?' You aren't cruel but the reality is he isn't in shape and has the stamina of a pensioner but he has dared to make you feel you could physically improve yourself! Such cheek!

You will have looked after him when he showed his vulnerable side and wonder, 'when did he ever look after me?' In fact, has there been a single occasion when he has asked how I am? When you had that headache did he do much other than offer ibuprofen which you had to fetch yourself? It's dawning on you now...oh man this is embarrassing!

You will struggle to recall the number of times your heard your name and not Baby. Did you ever receive a text or picture that others didn't? Was there a single moment he didn't replicate with you or with another? When it all sinks in you will ask yourself 'why on earth am I still here?' Then you'll decide you have to let him go! Not in a mean way because you are decent and you feel sorry for him. A shallow existence made up by a variety of blow job skills isn't a life to envy after all.

You'll look back and wonder how on earth you got sucked in but you will be pleased that you are out of it. You will feel sorry for the other girls who may have be suddenly dropped and will wonder why a nice guy like that didn't want them or worse still the ones that stick with it. You almost feel like sky writing a warning.

Your skin will crawl at the realisation of it all and you almost never want to hear Baby again...unfortunately you are a sucker for Dirty Dancing so you'll need to get over it. As you delete the many photos you have recieved you will look in to the dead eyes in the pictures and feel relief as each one disappears from your phone and indeed your life.

The man "Initial Initial Initial" is an experience! He is not one you will recommend and you won't get that time back but you will know that life has a lot to offer you. Whereas he has demons. There's a reason he's the age he is without having experienced love right? You have of course and its hard. Love definitely hurts but it's worth it to have had it. Love like you've never been and all that.

This started as a warning but it'll finish with advice! You can choose to take it or leave it. Should you encounter a 3 letter initial my advice is to steer well clear. Better still RUN! If this guy were a product then his marketing team would probably advise he come with a free STD check! There isn't a more fitting gift with purchase!

The City that Satisfies (SE)

Many of you will have visited New York City and will no doubt have found something there that you love and discovered one of the many surprises it has to offer. If you haven't been then for the vast majority of you it'll be on your wish list of places to visit.  I have many a time and this includes a very recent trip. I will go again but each time I do I know I will suffer for it.

Nothing is the same...New York changes everything. I knew on returning I would be bored but to be honest that's an understatement it's more like I wouldn't want to return to life as I know it. I know I sound ungrateful and I hear myself and think the same but regardless I feel a sense of grief. It's as if NYC is home and I'm not allowed to go home very often.

I know I am a complicated individual, I get told all the time but the Big Apple can handle this and can feed every side, corner and square of me. Whatever mood I feel, whatever I want to wear, however I want to be perceived she gives it to me. I can step out in a big dress and crazy shoes and she accepts it as much as she enjoys seeing me in a conservative little shift and Mary Jane's. I just love spending time with her.

You'll try to forget her when you leave but she'll tug at your heart. It's like a crazy love affair when you are there, you feel all the emotions you see between the strong male and vulnerable females romantic leads seen in the movies. You feel wooed, swept off your feet; of course you'll try to hold back and make yourself look for the negatives but she'll keep flirting with you, making you take in the curves she has to offer and then you are gone, lovestruck, lost to her. And she will make you crazy, she will encourage you to do some naughty things totally out of character!

When you are on fire, as she will ensure you are, everything seems possible. A cute young guy at the end of the bar that you may not have the guts to approach if you were in London suddenly gets a cheeky smile off you. You make sure he sees you look at him before you look away again and get engrossed in another conversation with your gal pal, its right to make him wait for the next smile. It's not long before he gets it and you suddenly realise you are in control, Big A has got your back, she's the greatest wing man you'll ever have. It's her encouragement that makes you mime 'hey' in a slow, seductive, lick your lips as you speak way. You feel the sexiest you have ever felt and as the cute guy gets off his stool a little later, you know with certainty he's making his way to see you.'So, I'm Drew' he says, you respond with your first name in a business like manner, he can work for the flirt. Lady Luck is whispering in your ear, 'this is your play baby...'

The night rolls on and Drew is entertaining but so are the other guys who've come to sit at Rosie's bar, you alternate the Drew chat with your gal pal and make sure there is a little interaction with all the men of Rosie's, you are the woman of the moment after all or so the lady says! There's a game on in which you show a little interest but the talk is light, charming and full of femininity, that's because you choose it that way.

It's time to leave Drew, you've arranged dinner with some guys you met on the plane. Of course a number exchange is the polite thing to do at this stage.

The champagne flows at the Whiskey bar in the W, one bottle empties as another simultaneously arrives, the bubbles fill the glass and little bits spark out and tickle your nose. The chatter moves from fact and 'what do you do at home...' to fantasies and 'what do you want to do...'; a text from Drew draws a giggle and your new found friends ask 'what's put a smile on your face?' You relay the Rosie's bar tale. The encouragement to invite him along comes from gal pal and the guys, you laugh about it as you sip a few more glasses and then send a text...'come and get me', nice and simple and straight to the point. Big A says its perfect.

Time passes with ease and then he is beside you. The guy you saw at the end of the bar is here with you because you willed it that way. Your friends make themselves scarce after intros, a little smoke outside is their chosen excuse. As soon as they leave Drew's hand, which has been placed on your knee until now, makes its way up your thigh as he leans in and kisses you. Of course the lady wants you to feel a deep, firm kiss and that's what you get. It's the kind of kiss where you are oblivious to what's going on around you. In fact you don't care, it could be a parade of Nun's walking by and you'd still have your head back letting your tongue explore every millimetre of his sweet mouth.

The kiss draws to an end and the others arrive, a little more mingling before the time is referenced at 2.15am. Drew asks if you want to go and of course you say yes, the city is yours to explore and she is inviting you. Goodbyes are said and you jump in a yellow cab, 'Sheraton' says Drew and you suddenly realise that the old girl has quite an adventure in store for you, where did you think you were going...Toy's R Us? Wow, so this is really happening, thoughts of 'I'm not that kinda girl' jump through your mind but that's in a different land and this one has it's own rules besides the lady seems to have lit the way for you.

The neon sign of the Sheraton greets you, the door of the yellow cab opens and Drew takes your hand. You mount the steps to the grand entrance considering each step as you realise the bubbles have had quite an effect. The lobby is large and looming and you finally reach the bank of elevators, the third one opens and you step in with Drew. He presses the 12th floor button and then pushes you against the wall and kisses you deep and hard until you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach, all the doubt of whether this is a good idea or not subsides...you want him.

You hold hands down the corridor to the room, the key card gives the green light and you decide to do the same, the room is large with two double beds, the lighting is subtle and no changes are made to it. He comes toward you slowly, taking all of you in. You suddenly realise you hadn't planned for this, the knickers are full brief and skin coloured, the bra has more padding than American Football players shoulders and you are not as closely shaved as you'd like. He doesn't seem to care as he peels back the tight red dress to expose Ann Summers finest push up, you make sure you get to the knickers first and whip them off, a quick sling of them far away should mean he doesn't quite see how bad they are.

His mouth is all over you, he kisses your neck, ears, breasts...god his hands are crazy, every inch of you feels sucked, touched, tweaked and you hear your breath get quicker. He removes his shoes, the Hugo Boss jacket and shirt, the trousers drop with the tight boxers and at some stage he has taken his socks off too...the haze of bubbles leaves you a little disoriented but you can feel all that's being done to you.

His tongue pushes between your legs and you could happily scream out, if you do it would be 'thaaaaaank youuuuuuuuu!'.  Before you've time to take it in he's back kissing your mouth and it all gets frantic, you are kissing his chest down to where the hair on his body gets thicker and then you take him fully in your mouth pushing down as far as you can go, a moan and a 'fuck that's good' encourage you to continue. He pulls your head up then and kisses you again, his fingers are slipping in and out of you, he runs a finger down your backside and explores your mouth with his tongue. You are not sure what's going on, its oral, then kissing, hard then gently, then he's slipping fingers in you, he flips you over and continues to do this from behind. He does so gently but firmly as he kisses and nibbles your behind, you wish he was nibbling something firmer and smaller but who cares, he seems content working with what you've got and you don't want it to stop.

He goes to the end of the bed and flips you over dangling his rather thick penis in to your mouth, you return the nibbling favour intermittent with licking and then he pulls himself down the bed to put his tongue back between your legs as you rather enthusiastically suck him. You would do anything he wants right now and you feel hot! It's like Big A is in the room, 'you are on fire baby' she whispers.

He pulls out of your mouth and works his body round while he tries to keep sucking and licking you, the warmth of his mouth and the repetition of his tongue soon build until you hear yourself tell him you are going to come and then you do, its sudden and hard but damn it the bubbles have taken the edge off it.  He stops and stands and looks down at your body. He moves to his suitcase and returns unwrapping a condom, he slips it on his penis and smiles at you, that cheeky boyish grin.

Drew pushes you up the bed, parts your legs and enters you. He is rock hard and he pulls deep in to you, there is no slow build, he cups his hands under your shoulders and pulls deeply in to you, he does so firmly and deeply and then he builds harder and faster, harder and faster, you feel like you actually need this, not just want it you need it, christ you deserve it! 

You are totally lost in it when Drew suddenly stops, he turns you over and lays his full body weight on you as he slips in to you from behind, his legs are on yours and his hands are cupped under your shoulders again as he uses them to leverage deeply in to you. You know that if you wanted to move right now you couldn't and a moment of feeling vulnerable hits you but you want this and it soon disappears.

Drew is telling you how good it feels and saying 'baby', 'oh baby', you wish he would say your name but then you consider it almost doesn't matter, it''s the feeling you want and this feels amazing. He stops and kisses the top of your shoulders, 'turn over baby, I want to watch you come', you flip over and he pulls your legs apart, pushes his body high up on yours and thrusts in to you, he isn't letting up, he keeps thrusting and thrusting, he is rubbing against you and you know he wants to make you climax. 

You are a willing particpant and you want to come so badly, you desperately squeeze and tighten so you can feel it, you wish you'd eased up on the champagne but oh wow, oh yes, he's grinding and moving quickly and you feel it, its building, oh my god you are going to, you moan loudly and he knows, he wants you to climax, 'come for me baby', 'I need you to come for me', oh shit, how you want to please him, you push your head back and let the feeling take over; 'oh god yes, I am going to come for you, please, ohhhh, yeeeeeeees' and then you come, as you shudder he thrusts again and shudders too...

Your head hurts, you open your eyes and it takes a tenth of a second to remember you are in Drew's room, naked, in bed with him and he is still asleep. You slip out of the bed starkers and make your way to the bathroom, the Sheraton have left out a few toiletries bless their souls, there is a feeble looking emergency toothbrush that you take ownership of, you clean your teeth and then again and brush your tongue to remove the nasty taste and any special morning breath that may have built up.

You wipe cotton wool under your eyes and try to work with last nights make up. There isn't a comb in sight so you go for that ruffled with fingers beach look. Once you feel a bit better you jump back in to bed and as much as you try not to, you disturb him.

'Morning baby', he turns to you pulls you in to him and slips his hand between your legs, he then rolls you away from him and reaches his hand round to play with your clitoris, the clock says 6.49am and you lie happy in the realisation your gal pal will be fast asleep and this isn't encroaching on "girl time" and you let out a grateful moan. His hands move in a way that you are comfortable he knows what to do with you, it's not long before that feeling returns, he speeds up the pace and you shudder on his fingers. But oh god, the pain in your head that follows, wow! That hurts!

The hangover is there and the orgasm has taken in to another level but there is no time to complain, Drew is sheathed up and slipping inside you from behind. It's slow and steady and it feels so familiar, it's as if this is how you've been spending your Sundays. Drew touches you gently and teases your breasts with his fingers, he kisses your ears and rhythmically thrusts in to you, it's so gentle and tender, you would be happy to stay here doing this all day.

He's wraps an arm at your waist and he's pulling you down and on to him, it's harder now and wanting and you want him so much. He pushes you over and adopts last nights position from behind but this is harder, deeper and more frantic, your head is screaming but the rest of your body tells it to shut up and enjoy.

Maybe his head hurts too as he stops.  No he is fine, he turns you on to your back and lifts one of your legs entering you and watching himself, he watches his full length gently move in and out and stares down at you, in the cold light of the morning you are wishing you'd taken that pre NYC trip diet a little more seriously but he seems happy enough, he suddenly throws his full weight down on you and thrusts and thrusts and thrusts, you are not sure you are going to come but he once again demands it and you are going to try for him. 

He is moaning and saying he likes 'how you don't really do this' and 'I like that you are a naughty girl only for me'. Did you tell him that last night? His chat is arousing and you feel the build, it hurts your head but you are fighting it, he is commanding you to give it up for him and then its there, 'ooooooh fuuuuuuck' you shout, not the most ladylike thing to say but its all you could get out in the moment and he responds with a 'fuck yeah' as he comes right after. Jeez how your head hurts!

You feel sleepy and he says he will get coffee, you noticed the Starbucks machine in the room but he leaves...huh? In that time you get up, tidy yourself up and stick the nasty undies back on under the rather sexy dress, the wrapping is better than the present you consider! You lie back on the bed and snooze, you awaken to the smell of fresh Bucks' coffee and his smile, 'you got up and dressed and went back to sleep?' he says. Uh, so it would seem. 

Hmmm this is now feeling a little awkward. 'I text your gal pal FYI, I wasn't sure if you had and I didn't want her to worry, I told her you were with me...safe'. Man he's good! He packs his stuff as he chats and says he is leaving for home, 'back to Chicago', you know that's how this must end but you secretly pray to Big A that he will say something like 'we've known each other a short time but I think I could love you forever'. You know Big A is saying that you are pushing your luck.  You gather your shoes and clutch bag and walk out together, at the curb side he offers to get his cab to drop you off but the knowledge your hotel is two blocks away makes the morning walk feel a good idea.

It leaves you only to say 'Goodbye Drew and safe flight...' The kiss is one of two parting friends. You walk away and don't look back, nobody looks at you in last nights dress, high heels and clutch bag as you realise you are doing the walk of shame...Big A says there is no such thing here. She tells you to hold your head high and enjoy any looks you do get because they are looks of admiration and nothing else.

At your hotel you tell your gal pal everything and ask if you have been a slut, she reminds you that NYC decided it for you and such a thing doesn't exist in her eyes, you snooze on the bed and then awaken twenty minutes later deciding to walk and eat off the bubbles and sex hangover.

The Insomniac City certainly had an adventure in store for you. You didn't know you would ever do that, gal pal says 'one minute you were Drewling, the next you were under him!' You agree that you couldn't fight her. Big A is such a strong character and she thought the adventure was what you needed, she tailored it to you.

A few days on and it was time to say goodbye to my greatest love. Miles, responsibilities and bank balance prevent me from racing back to see her but I know my friend will always greet me with open arms and won't mind how longs it's been. Until the next time Big A...I love you x

Your application has been unsuccessful. Hang on...I don't remember applying!

Well you silly cow you've been here before with this man so open your eyes, you know what's going on here. The constant barrage of texts you receive every day suddenly dries up and you get that message 'Baby, I just need a little space'. Straight to the point you ask 'is this about me?' he responds 'no' with two kisses but you know damn well it is. Not much you can do at this juncture, you offer up your support and sit back and think, let the games begin.

You've heard nothing in two days but you had agreed to see each other Saturday so you decide to go for it. The text says 'hey, I would like to see you tomorrow, do you think you will feel up to it? I'm happy to cook.' Even a selfish fuck wit like him can't ignore a nice message like that. Oh....it seems he can...he has messaged from his phone but not to you and two hours has now passed...what a fucking little treasure he is!

The message tone you've assigned the little shit goes off. You are happy you are with friends, you are quite content sat there dipping fresh baguette in Camembert as a pasta main dish bubbles away on the cooker. Before you even look at the message you know what it will say, its almost better than expected but it still hits you in the gut like a sudden jolt. You can't even tell your friends what it says, you haven't really read it but you hand the phone to them instead. Your friends are a couple who are at the height of their relationship and the pain on their face tells you that they are very fond of you too. B looks angry, as a man of great morals he struggles with the content, J looks at you with wet eyes and says 'oh honey I am so sorry.' The pity they show is probably for the poor treatment they think you are receiving, but for you the inevitable is here and actually this is now about facing reality and the fact your life is not on course more than it is losing this guy.

You read the text again, 'Yeah, I have missed you a fair bit...but I can't be doing this exclusive thing anymore...although it's been pretty good the last month or so...it's still not the real deal...and I know and you know it isn't gonna last forever x'

There probably isn't any part of it that isn't right, you've been saying this yourself. You respond with 'I suggest we meet tomorrow. I am not prepared to be dumped by text. I thought we were friends first and foremost?' His response is to say you are friends and he does want to see you he trails off with 'I wanna see you but I'm so....' You feel calm although this is difficult and you want to be sure that this ends in the way you feel befits you so you say 'Not good enough I'm afraid. This isn't just about you'. There is an exchange that follows where he tells you he knows he owes so much more. Damn straight he does.

You want to be clear where you stand so you advise him that you will go to see him Saturday night to discuss it. To ensure he doesn't take the cowards way out you tell him that if he isn't there you will wait for him at his parents home which handily is just around the corner from his. The amazing thing is you can actually see yourself doing something like that and a slight sense of self admiration hits you, you may not have it all but there's a little fighter in you.

His response is to say he will see you and he's not going to go anywhere. You are aware through the messages he is emotional he suddenly states 'I wanna keep seeing you...but I'm 34.5 and I don't think you wanna marry me'. His use of "wanna" and the fact he has stated his age at 34 and a half give a sense that he is low and adopting a child like state. He follows up with 'Ever' and 'You haven't even introduced me to your friends'. He is right of course, you haven't felt he is able to handle anything near a real relationship and to preserve your stability and feelings you have kept him at an arms length and ensured he hasn't come too far in your life. After all you knew he would leave it.

There is a continued exchange of messages referring to how hard he has found it, how he hates himself, how he does care about you. You try to draw the communication to a close and confirm the arrangements for the next day...6pm. In one way you want that time to come as soon as possible but you also know what it'll mean and you would avoid it if you could.

You talk to your friends and it's known by all that whatever there has been between you and him has grown to become a better and healthier version of a relationship but its not meant to last and the history between you is not a good one. Whether it should end or not isn't discussed, you all know it needs to but its acknowledged that as much as you had planned to have the same conversation the reality isn't so easy. You tell your friends that you hadn't anticipated that you would miss him, maybe he has been more like a friend than you had realised.

Your friends leave at midnight and at 1.30am you send a text to him 'Ok. So I've had time to think. I have a plan for tomorrow evening which I need to run by you. Guess you'll be playing football tomorrow so maybe we can speak quickly beforehand? Don't want to get in to anything I just want to make arrangements.' 2 minutes later you send 'Hopefully you've slept some and feel a bit better. Drop me a text and let me know you are ok when you wake. Keep your chin up.' You stay up a while knowing you wont really sleep but its now far beyond 2am and you are tired, you get to bed but soon realise you wont yet sleep, instead you put on a film...Maid in Manhattan, its a favourite but as the end credits appear you acknowledge it didn't do the trick. You try another, Sleepless in Seattle this time.

The phone makes the familiar noise you had come to look forward to and you know he's responded. You then note the time is 4.28am and you haven't slept for a moment. 'I'm awake and my chins are kinda up!!', his chubby face insecurity strikes again. You advise you are yet to sleep so sheep pics are sent to you so that you may count them and then a story he has made up on the spot which he loses total control of. A new story is sent to you and its not long before the Prince and the Princess in the story are looking to get it on. Its funny how his enjoyment of a quick fumble seems to get him through most situations, you reflect in that moment and consider that its always felt quite fumble like and you've never really had a moment with him you would describe as hot or sexy...

Jesus its 5.20am and you've been chatting crap to each other by text all that time. You decide to turn the chatter more serious and ask 'I want you to come to me tomorrow...I have 100 good reasons why and as everything has been on your terms I would hugely appreciate you doing this for me. You are in safer hands here then I will be there...' you follow up with 'its well within reason'. He says he will and for a second you have a feeling that he respects you, enough to do that anyway, ridiculous really as it'd be standard for most but this guy is probably the most selfish man you have ever known intimately.

You try to sleep but at 6am you get up and start cleaning, wiping all the skirting boards down is quite satisfying and a peaceful task at such an hour. Its difficult to choose music to play as every song seems to clash with your sad mood or make you feel emotional. 7.30am back to bed in the hope of a couple of hours sleep...it isn't happening. You get up and decide its pointless trying.  You potter about and clean some more, the bedding has all been stripped and redone and you feel a sense of achievement at how the place looks.

Your friend A arrives at 11am and gives you what for, 'he has never been good enough for you, you needed to get shot a long time ago'.  You know what she is saying is true but you confide that you hadn't expected to feel so sad. Having recently spent a lot of time together during a trip to the US she quickly tells you that its simply because you have some decisions to make and need to get yourself sorted with what you want to achieve, the person you used to distract you away from doing that will suddenly go and reality will hit.  She is right of course!

You go for a walk and then he calls, he wants to come a little earlier and shower at yours rather than use the footy showers, not a problem you say. You finish the walk and go home to shower, as you get out you start thinking of what to wear and decide on jeans, a fluffy jumper and a striking necklace, you out on briefs rather than your usual thong, you don't really want that peeping out and want to feel like you look ok but don't want anything sexy or too flattering, you are not trying to attract him anymore. You consider not wearing make up with which you are very comfortable but you then remember the times you've been told you look younger and don't think its fair on him in case you look vulnerable.  You potter a little more and then he arrives.

He enters and you feel relieved to see him, you hug and kiss on the cheek and you feel better already. He came and its almost enough right there and then, that's all you needed, you just want him to show he does respect you and knows that you are deserving of doing this properly. The action has pretty much honoured the time you have invested in him and you are at peace.....you can now breathe again.

You chat away and take a walk to the shop to get some alcohol, you acknowledge that he will need to stay and drive home tomorrow and its fine, it'll be nice to have a farewell night. You get back and decide to get a take away, there are giggles and banter that nobody would understand when it comes to choosing the cuisine and the dishes from the menu. You place the order requesting delivery of the Chinese takeaway and advise him of the 30-40 estimated delivery time. He climbs the stairs to the bathroom and sees the towel and flannel you have placed out for him. The flannel shaped like a swan had the desired effect, he lets out a laugh and you feel the tension easing.

Food has been devoured and you tell him its time to chat, he tries to defer it and you ask that he is more supportive of what you need as well as you are keen to have the dreaded chat. He opens with 'do you want to marry me?' its not a proposal that's clear and you say to him that you don't even feel you've really gotten to know each other properly and its always felt like games, its clear the marriage question would be a no and for him that's the end of it, he tells you that at this stage of his life its marriage or nothing. You know damn well you are a blocker, you will never be his wife but you have also told him he cant fuck around, he cant hunt but you also wont be his kill therefore he is living off the offerings you have and that cant be sustained. You know there is almost nothing to discuss as this is very much the case and you pretty much feel the same way. So what's your beef?

Your mind moves on during the chat and you know the problem is you don't feel you have both even given this "thing" this "relationship" a go...he says he has referred to you as his girlfriend, it surprises you but you also know you have never ever stated him to be your boyfriend or ever considered that your relationship was in that area. He is incredibly selfish and you've gone along with what he wants, that way you don't have to think or offer up any insight in to your feelings and continue to see someone who is convenient and fun to spend time with. As you are both upset that the "relationship" has come to an end you have moments of wondering 'could this have been something if we'd both given it a chance?' You have a strong belief that things happen for a reason and that suits you so you look for the reason you met him. He has distracted you for 9 months, you quickly remind yourself that you were on and off and he was screwing around for the first 6 months, its really just been the last 3 but still that's a lot of time to give anyone.

You sit together on the small sofa and the chat has dried up, there is little point to it and it's quite upsetting, you hadn't expected to feel so emotional and could quite cheerfully howl right now but you are holding it in. He is crying a little and you want to take the tears away, you hate seeing him like this and you know then that you genuinely care about him. In a way you consider could be your selfish nature showing through you feel pleased that he is upset, it means even this messed up, selfish guy has acknowledged that you are someone worth tears. You feel a sense of sadness at the thought of not seeing him anymore, it's so much stronger than you thought it could be, its like a bereavement and that feeling you will start crying and not be able to stop makes you tell yourself to stop thinking about it.

You mutually decide to put a DVD on and somehow Miracle on 34th Street is chosen, you have clearly had a hand in that as you love it and it cheers you up. You lie there watching it snuggled in to him and you feel safe, whatever there has been between you has always felt a little false, is it false? Maybe it's more things have been left unsaid etc but now it feels real, you trust this time with him as genuine and you make it clear you need him to hold you. Why on earth haven't you shown this vulnerable side to you before? It may have encouraged him to open up but its too late now and you decide to stop torturing yourself. That beautiful scene in the film showing the deaf child's joy when Father Christmas signs a conversation with her is on and it gets you, the tears suddenly stream down your face and you make your excuses to use the loo...you sob up the stairs but in a silent way and as you hit the bathroom you push your face in to the towel and let it out, you hear the muffled cries and hope it doesn't travel downstairs. you tidy your makeup, freshen up and return. Why can't you let him see you cry?

There's moments of ridiculousness, you both get over heated with the heating being on, you switch it off but resort to stripping off, he sits there in his boxers and tshirt and you are in your jeans, bra less with a thin vest top, you laugh at the fact your breasts are quite obvious as is his manhood...you are a little sorry to see that's completely lifeless...you had become used to seeing it at full attention...it dawns you are never to see that again! The moment feels almost innocent, nothing sexual about it, just two people hurting in their own way, comforting each other, a little exposed but feeling safe in each others arms. If it wasn't bloody tragic it would be beautiful. You look at him and kiss his head, you hope in some way you have helped him and his meeting you helps him get the kind of relationship, no the kind of love you hope he will one day get. It's the kind of love you dream of, you want to be intoxicated by someone - that's as simple as you can put it.

You get upset at the thought you both want the same thing...you want a marriage, children and a decent life with family visiting, dinner with friends and summer bbq get togethers, if only you could have felt something between you then you could have it all. You cant force love though and you know that.

A horrible thought crosses your mind, you ask yourself how much you believe you will find this love you desire. It feels like pot of gold at the end of the rainbow when you don't even know where the bloody rainbow is yet!

He asks if you want to watch another film, although you've missed a nights sleep and its gone midnight you feel you want to. You actually feel you want to get as much out of the evening as you can...you can't pretend that you are not now fully aware you will really miss him.

The snuggling up continues all the way through the film and you don't care how silly it is, there are no games anymore, this is over so you'll soak up every moment and try to remember all the good things about him, he is an odd guy with a lot of issues and he's been good to you but never really shown kindness or concern for your well being but still you have an affection for him and you can't help it.

The film finishes and you decide it's time for bed, you show him to your bedroom and he says he doesn't see the harm in sharing, there isn't really but you think you will cry so you advise you'll sleep in the other room, you lie there and here him mumble something and he seems to be encouraging the bed sharing, you jump in beside him and decide a cuddle will do you good. He pulls you to him and you feel the tears prick your eyes, this is so sad, so hard and far far more emotional than you ever imagined, all the feelings you have locked away are suddenly surfacing and you want to hold his face and say I've loved knowing you but you can't do that without losing it and you know you haven't let him know you. Would he have liked the scared and vulnerable girl you keep hidden? Would he have laughed at the stories you write? Would be have found your love for jigsaw puzzles amusing? Would he have looked after you if you told him about times you felt low, or scared, or in need of a friend?

You lie there and breath through muffled tears, the sadness is worsening and you close your eyes in the hope it'll hold back what feels like a river. You wish the cuddle would never end, you suddenly think you may get another hour and ask if the clocks are going back but no such luck.

Throughout the night you both get hot under the thick duvet and you move around but there is contact all the time, hands are held, or you lean against each other or the best, you wrap limbs around each other and hold each other tight.

Morning arrives and you feel sick, it's over, the farewell night has drawn to an end. You had openly discussed in the previous evening that he will no doubt return to the open market as an available man and you know he has plans to see someone within days. You don't feel jealous of that person as its purely physical and you think there is a little chance of anything else but you know he will disappear now in to a haze of easy, young girls and enjoy every inch of them. You on the other hand will face this head on and allow the pain to be felt and you know its going to be tough.

You cuddle up again and chat rubbish. His manhood has risen with the morning and you can feel it, you kiss, its not deep or passionate but gentle and controlled. He is trying to touch you but you move his hand, he is touching your body and it's so familiar but he will not enter you, its not that you don't want him to, you just know damn well you will breakdown if you orgasm with him now and he doesn't need to see that. Although you have never felt overwhelmed by your physical activity between you, you would gladly invite the rather average experience right now because you want to feel him close but you won't allow it.

It's time to go, you made arrangements and need to be away by 11am, you wish you hadn't and you could then drag this out a little longer but you did because you knew it was the best thing to do. You hug him and say goodbye, your chest feels tight and you wish in some ways you could suddenly scream 'wait I love you' and he would say 'I love you too' but that won't happen because love isn't here.

He asked if you would marry him and a million reasons came to mind of why you wouldn't...you know it sounds awful but you are not sure you want to be that associated with him? He isn't very ambitious, nor keen on travel and he's a bit average in many ways but then you realise that if cupid had struck you both it would matter not and you know that if you'd felt love you would have happily had him as your husband but cupid luckily hasn't seen to match you. He is not your lobster!

You hope you have made an impression on him. The idea that you may not have fills you with a great sorrow. As much as you held back and didn't allow him to really know you still hoped he had seen something good....not good, special. You want to feel in some way he will be better for having met you, he drinks peppermint tea now which can only be good but you hope it goes deeper than that. You doubt he would ever call on it but you are confident that if he ever needed you then you would be there for him and you confirm to yourself that for all his faults you have grown to care about him.

I wish I could end this with a wonderful love story ending but that's not what this was. I don't really know what it was but two people have felt a sorrow in parting which means they have shared something. So...to my messed up, complicated, (at times) tragic little friend I wish you ever happiness in the future, I hope you experience a great love and get the things you long for. If you ever need me I will be there and I want you to know even though I don't yet understand it, I am very fond of you and I miss you already x